mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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