I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize