You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
