Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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