At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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