"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
