my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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