my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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