I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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