After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
