I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
FUCK WHALES
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