I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
