Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
