your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize