Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
