you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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