Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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