If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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