listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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