Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
