Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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