I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
