Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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