I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
