My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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