True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't deserve a penis
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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