I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
