Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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