We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
