She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
