sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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