Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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