I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
