If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
