You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
