I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
