Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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