Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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