Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize