This is not my ceiling
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
