He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
