hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
