i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
