just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize