Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
