god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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