this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
