Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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