Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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