i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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