I forgot how hot balto sounded
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
