I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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