marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
