Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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