He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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