whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
