There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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